Girl Meets Smackle/Transcript

Interior. John Quincy Adams Middle School history class. Cory is holding a present.
Cory:	Ancient Greece--
Riley:	What that? What that that?
Cory:	What thi-this? (pointing to the present) This is a present.
Riley:	Is it for me?
Maya:	What's your game, Matthews?
Cory:	Game? I mean no game. I just want to know who here wants this present. (All students raise their hands except Maya) Oh, Maya, what? You assume by playing hard to get, I'm gonna give it to you?
Maya:	Well, yes. That's one of the many arrows in my quiver.
Farkle:	(Shudders) Medieval talk-- What are you doing to me, woman?
Cory:	Riley.
Riley:	Yay! (Riley opens the box) "The Trojan horse"?
Cory:	Surprise.
Riley:	This isn't a present. This is one of your life lessons wrapped up in a class lesson wrapped up in a box of nothing.
Maya:	How you doing, honey?
Riley:	I'm all worked up.
Maya:	I know. (Riley puts back the frame into the box)
Cory:	You assumed because it was all neat and pretty that something good was inside. Ancient Troy was protected by walls. The Greeks couldn't get in, so they built a big wooden horse and left it behind. What do you think the Trojans did?
Riley:	They left it there because they were afraid that somebody was trying to teach them something.
Cory:	They captured it as a trophy and brought it inside. That night, the Greek soldiers crawled out of the horse and defeated Troy. What have we learned here? (Lucas raises his hand) Mr. Friar.
Lucas:	Don't make assumptions based on what you see?
Cory:	Riley, listen, I'm sorry I made an example of you. So here's a gift for you.
Riley:	Ooh-- No! I want to-- No! Pretty ribbon-- No!
Lucas:	I'll take my chances with that, sir.
Riley:	No, Lucas. You have to assume it was no good because the first one was no good.  Aren't you all proud of me, dad?
Cory:	No!
Lucas:	(Reads the card) "Get out of detention free."
Maya:	Ooh, I could use one of those. Gimme that and I won't call you "Ranger Rick" all week.
Lucas:	Here you go.
Maya:	Thanks, Ranger Roy.
Lucas:	Lemme guess. Ranger Roy is filling in for Ranger Rick?
Maya:	All week. And now... you.
Cory:	Oh, is something gonna happen to me?
Maya:	Yes, it is.(Stands up and approaches the table) A d-d-d-d, a d-d-d-d (tries to stand on top of the desk) a d-d-d-detention. But not today. Boom!
Cory:	Read the card.
Maya:	Huh?
Cory:	Card.
Maya:	(Reads the card) "Say 'get out of detention free' then give worthless card to Maya then watch her dance on my desk." (Returns to her desk)
Cory:	Never assume. Look more deeply. Just because something is wrapped up all pretty, doesn't always mean it is.
Maya:	(Turns back to Lucas) You were in on this!
Lucas:	I'm Ranger Roy and I'll be here all week. (Tips imaginary hat)
Maya:	(Shudders and turns away) Oh-ho-ho.
Title Sequence. Interior. John Quincy Adams Middle School. N.Y.C. Interscholastic Debate. Farkle speaks.
Farkle:	...in conclusion, school uniforms reduce individuality which will be unnecessary in the real world when you're all working for me. Thank you. I am Farkle!
Riley:	I don't understand debate.
Maya:	I say you do.
Riley:	Okay.
Lucas:	I like debate-- exploring two sides of the same thing-- good and bad, light and dark, right in front of you at the same time. Where else are you gonna get that? Oh, right here. Look at you.
Cory:	And now from Einstein academy, (reads the paper) "undefeated this season, 72 pounds of raw intellectual power! She is who your mama wishes she gave birth to!" The one, the only... Smackle!
Smackle:	(Gets out, does some moves and walks toward Farkle) You goin' down, chump. (Gets the microphone) Wearing a uniform makes you surrender to conformity and sacrifices uniqueness, which is our most valuable freedom. Don't let anybody tell you what to wear. Don't let anybody tell you what to be. Smackle, the one and only, out.
Cory:	Well, before I announce the winner, let me remind you all that our final debate of the season will be held right here next week, where our thought-provoking topic will be "Is beauty only skin deep?" (Smackle makes a face then Cory receives the paper) Great, thank you. So the winner of today's debate is... (Farkle stands and Cory lets him sit) Isadora Smackle, Einstein academy.
Riley:	(Everyone claps) It looks like our debate team could use some help.
Lucas:	Yeah, Smackle's definitely got game.
Riley:	She beats Farkle every time. You think he's gotten used to it by now?
Farkle:	(Lies down and groans) It hurts.
Maya:	Nope. Good thing we're there for him. Being there for him is the most important thing we can be-- (Looks at melon balls) Melon balls.
Riley:	Ooh.
Smackle:	(Kneels down beside Farkle and shakes his hand) Valiant effort as usual, my arch-nemesis. Perhaps a smoothie would take the sting out of my latest victory.
Farkle:	Yeah. Perhaps you're right. I'll go see. (Tries to get up but Smackle lies him down again)
Smackle:	Smackle, you fool. You forgot how literal he is. Farkle, (stands up) I meant would you like to get a smoothie with me?
Farkle:	(Stands up) Isadora, what part of "Arch-Nemesis" do you not understand?
Smackle:	Farkle, you might find this hard to believe, but I am a significant amount of fun. Would you like to see my fun face?
Farkle:	That would be of interest to me. Proceed.
Smackle:	I'm doing it!
Riley:	Well, Farkle, good job being smart and everything.
Farkle:	Thanks for coming, Riley. Sorry you had to see me lose again.
Riley:	Wonderful debate, Farkle. A memory that will live with me right up until the next thing happens. (Hugs Farkle and he walks away.) Well, Smackle, good job being smart and everything. (Turns away)
Smackle:	(Robotically) I am sad.
Riley:	(Turns back) What?
Smackle:	(Stands up) Farkle and I are perfect for each other. Why does he prefer you?
Riley:	I don't know. If I knew, I'd stop.
Smackle:	Well, there's nothing left to do now but get a smoothie all alone and continue this good cry I'm having.
Riley:	You're crying?
Smackle:	Yes. A-wah A-wah.
Riley:	I don't think that's actually--
Smackle:	(louder) A-wah A-wah... (mumbles gibberish)
Riley:	Look, I am going to ask you something really fast and then I'm going to regret it. You wanna come to my house? (Turns to her left) Ooh.
Smackle:	Yes, I would like to come to your house. There is much I can learn from you. (Riley tries to hug Smackle)
Maya:	Oh, no! I already have a weird friend.
Riley:	She means me.
Interior. The Matthews' apartment. Topanga has set a pound cake and whipped cream on the kitchen table when Auggie enters.
Topanga:	Auggie?
Auggie:	(rips open his shirt) Why-y-y?!
Topanga:	Does this have something to do with-- ucch-- Ava?
Auggie:	Ava! Even when I think of her backwards she's still Ava! (takes the can of whipped cream and sprays it all over the pound cake)
Topanga:	Okay, tell me what happened right now.
Auggie:	She's through with me. (goes face down in the cake)
Topanga:	Oh! Yay! Even when I think of it backwards it's still Yay! (Auggie removes his face from the cake and gives Topanga a look) Okay, tell me what-- ucch-- Ava did.
Auggie:	(hyperventilating) She said we might not be together for the rest of our lives!
Topanga:	Okay, deep breath, honey.
Auggie:	She thinks there could be... others.
Topanga:	Honey, of course. That's only natural.
Auggie:	No, it's not. You're supposed to meet somebody and fall in love and be together forever.
Topanga:	Oh, honey, who put that crazy idea in your head?
Auggie:	You and Daddy.
Topanga:	Huh. I wonder how many people the idea of Cory and Topanga has ruined.
Auggie:	(raises hand) Me!
Interior. The Matthews' apartment. Riley's bedroom. Riley and Maya are with Smackle in the bay window.
Maya:	Why do I have to be a part of your campaign to befriend every little woodland creature?
Smackle:	Which woodland creature am I in your mind?
Maya:	You're like a little gopher... chipmunk combo deal.
Riley:	Maya, Smackle needs our help.
Smackle:	Yes. I need you to teach me the equation for beauty.
Maya:	Why?
Riley:	Smackle loves Farkle.
Maya:	Why?
Smackle:	But he prefers you both to me because you're both aesthetically pleasing. I, on the other hand, am less aesthetically pleasing, but am superior in every other area.
Maya:	Okay, so you want us to make you beautiful?
Smackle:	Yes, but I don't expect you to be able to change a trillion years of evolution in five seconds.
Riley:	Let me know when it's four seconds.
Maya:	Go. (Maya and Riley begin to immediately make over Smackle)
Smackle:	I'm... pretty?
Maya:	You're the hottest little gopher-chipmunk in the whole forest.
Riley:	(gives Smackle a mirror to look at) Who's the genius now?
Maya and Riley:	(toss their hair back and say in unison) Stop it.
Smackle:	(goes to Riley's mirror on the wall) My outward appearance now seems to represent the current trends agreeable to the general populace.
Maya:	Then why are you still talking like you don't know what you look like?
Smackle:	Ah, my speech. That's an easy fix.
Riley:	I don't think so.
Smackle:	Awesome, like, giggle, question, omigosh.
Maya:	Do you wanna lay that out again for us normals?
Smackle:	Observations reveal that if I merely insert "awesome," "like," "omigosh," and giggle at everything like it's a question, I will assimilate into the general teenage population.
Maya:	(snickers) It's not that easy, Smackle.
Smackle:	E=mc2
Maya:	What did you do that for?
Smackle:	Like "E" totally equals M.C.Squared! (giggles) Omigosh, awesome!
Maya:	E=mc2
Riley:	I understand the universe.
Maya and Riley:	(mimic explosion)
Interior. John Quincy Adams Middle School. Farkle is practicing debate with the Academic Halves as Lucas enters.
Lucas:	Is this Debate Team?
Farkle:	No, it's the After-School Male Models' Club. Ha!
Academic Halves:	Ha!
Lucas:	I want to join. (weakly) Ha!
Academic Top Half:	Shouldn't you be out hitting a home run or something?
Academic Bottom Half:	We don't debate sports or cars.
Farkle:	Gentlemen, you're making assumptions and my current assignment is to consider how assumptions lead to our ultimate downfall. So let's not judge a book by its cover.
Academic Top Half:	Looks like a book about baseball.
Farkle:	Lucas is my friend. Welcome to the team. (Maya and Riley enter the room with Maya wearing Smackle's glasses) Ladies.
Maya and Riley:	Farkle.
Lucas:	Maya, why are you wearing glasses?
Maya:	They're Smackle's. I'm just holding them for her... on my face.
Riley:	We want to see if people will treat Maya differently now that she looks smart.
Academic Top Half:	Hello, Suddenly-Approachable-Woman. What's your prescription? Mine's 20/800. I can basically only hear you.
Maya:	I don't have a prescription. Although I must say, you guys are looking a lot less blurry.
Academic Bottom Half:	That's the nicest thing any girl's ever said to us.
Maya:	(removes glasses) I liked you better blurry.
Academic Bottom Half:	That's the second nicest thing a girl's ever said to us.
Farkle:	I think you look nice any way you are, Maya.
Maya:	Thanks. You wanna go out with us?
Farkle:	(faints onto the floor) Out like "out on a date"?
Maya:	Aw, no. Out like out there with me and Riley because there's someone else we want to introduce you to.
Riley:	Yep. We think you'll really like her.
Farkle:	I have a very specific taste in girls. Is she one?
Riley:	Uh-huh.
Farkle:	That'll do it!
Interior. Svorski's Bakery. Riley and Maya introduce the new Smackle to Farkle.
Riley:	Presenting your date from the modeling runways of Paris, France--
Maya:	The new face of Geek Chic-- (speaks in French accent) Isadora Smackle. (Smackle enters modeling her new look)
Farkle:	Wow. (Smackle sits in Farkle's booth) You made her over?
Riley:	You know, just us girls playing with our hair and clothes.
Smackle:	Are you finally intrigued by me, Farkle?
Farkle:	I'm intrigued that my friends don't realize that you are an evil genius.
Riley:	(chuckles) But a pretty evil genius, don't you think?
Farkle:	This is debate preparation, isn't it?
Maya:	What?
Farkle:	The next debate is "Is beauty only skin deep?" Smackle doesn't want to be like you guys. Smackle only wants to win. You ladies have been played.
Riley:	Is this true, Smackle?
Smackle:	Affirmative.
Maya:	Riley, do I please have your permission to mess her up now?
Riley:	Negative.
Farkle:	Smackle, did you assume this outward change in your appearance would not affect your inner self?
Smackle:	Of course, it won't. I am Smackle. But look, four red nails and one blue one. I don't know why. That said, how could any outward change possibly affect the inner Smackle?
Lucas:	Hi, guys. Wow, Smackle, you look great.
Smackle:	(Giggles) Did that just come from me?
Farkle:	Smile at her. (Lucas smiles)
Smackle:	Omigosh. Omigosh, I just said "Omigosh." Like, awesome. Question?
Riley:	Are you okay, Smackle?
Smackle:	I don't understand what's happening to me.
Farkle:	Why don't you sit next to her, Lucas? (Lucas sits next to Smackle)
Smackle:	No one that's ever looked like you has ever sat this close. Are you sitting here because you want to be my mate?
Lucas:	I'm sitting here because the seat was empty.
Smackle:	You smell like pine trees.
Lucas:	Thank you.
Smackle:	Our feet are touching.
Lucas:	You're doing that.
Farkle:	Hmm, Smackle, would you mind telling me, what is the square root of 36?
Smackle:	Who cares?
Farkle:	Excellent. Lucas is on our debate team. Will that be a distraction to you?
Smackle:	Should be, yeah.
Farkle:	Good. Let's go. We've got a debate to prepare for. (Farkle and Lucas leave)
Smackle:	What have you done to me? I'm broken. I'm pretty. I'm confused.
Riley:	We can put you back.
Smackle:	Oh, I'm not goin' back! I'm not that confused.
Interior. The Matthews' apartment. Riley's bedroom. Auggie is sitting in the bay window as Farkle enters.
Farkle:	Hi, Auggie.
Auggie:	Hi, Farkle. Riley's not home.
Farkle:	So what are you doing sitting in the bay window?
Auggie:	I just wanted to see if sitting in the window would fix my woman trouble. Riley always sits in the window. But I think it only works for her.
Farkle:	What happened?
Auggie:	Ava said we might not be together forever.
Farkle:	And you expected that you would be?
Auggie:	Yes, because I'm only (shows Farkle his right hand) this many and I still have high hopes. (Topanga enters the room as Farkle high-fives Auggie)
Farkle:	If you like her, she must be really something.
Topanga:	Oh yeah, she's really something. You know, Farkle, we have a front door.
Farkle:	I know, but I'm here on business. (Riley and Maya enter the room)
Riley:	Okay, who's first?
Auggie:	I am.
Maya:	Farkle, do you have an appointment?
Farkle:	No, I'm a walk-in.
Riley:	I'm sorry, Farkle. Feel free to read one of our waiting room magazines. We're jammed. (Farkle picks up a copy of Bay Window Monthly and stands next to Topanga) Go.
Auggie:	I want to be with Ava until I die.
Riley:	She doesn't feel the same way?
Auggie:	She's vague, man. She's messin' with my mind.
Riley:	But it doesn't matter what she says, it matters what she does.
Maya:	Did she actually break up with you?
Auggie:	No.
Topanga:	What? Wait a minute. Auggie, I assumed you guys broke up.
Riley:	Oh, Mom. You should never assume. Didn't Dad teach you that?
Maya:	Yeah, don't you get the home versions of these lessons? You're married to the guy.
Topanga:	Of course, I do. There's just so many of them. (realizes) Oh no, I married Feeny.
Riley:	So, how is Ava messin' with you?
Auggie:	She says we might not be together forever. But she also says we might.
Maya:	So you still have a girlfriend.
Topanga:	And I let you eat cake and whipped cream.
Auggie:	Hmm, so I had a pretty good day! (Topanga pats Auggie and they both exit)
Riley:	Next! (Farkle takes a seat in the bay window) Yes?
Farkle:	I'm tortured.
Riley:	What about?
Farkle:	Smackle's not gonna be at her best at the debate.
Maya:	Why not?
Farkle:	Because you made her better. Except you didn't.
Maya:	You want us to change her back?
Riley:	If we do, Farkle, you'll lose the debate.
Farkle:	I only want to beat her when she's really her. She's the best arch-nemesis I could ever have.
Maya:	Otherwise, if you beat her, it doesn't count.
Farkle:	You're pretty smart, Maya.
Maya:	Even without glasses? (Farkle shakes his head yes)
Interior. John Quincy Adams Middle School. N.Y.C. Interscholastic Debate. Smackle is still her new self.
Farkle:	You promised you'd change her back.
Riley:	We tried.
Maya:	She wouldn't go for it.
Farkle:	(sighs and goes to Smackle) I didn't want to win this way, Smackle. I hope you enjoy being beautiful.
Smackle:	Oh, I do.
Farkle:	How the once-mighty have fallen. (speaks to the audience) The nation of Troy was charmed by a beautiful wooden horse. They neglected to consider what was inside. And they lost everything because of outer beauty. Don't be fooled by a pretty wrapper. I mean, who keeps the wrapping paper?
Riley:	(raises hand) I wear ribbons.
Farkle:	Okay. And our concluding statement will be made by Lucas Friar. (audience claps as Lucas stands up)
Lucas:	There can be absolutely no debate that the quest for outer beauty at the expense of one's inner self is a road to personal destruction. People make assumptions. I've been labeled a jock and a cowboy, and this is from my friends. But here's a little secret; I like school and I do pretty well. You might look at me and assume baseball player. I look at me and I know I'd better get good grades, because what's on the inside has to be more important than what's on the outside to get into a good college and into a good life. Because beauty is not skin deep. Thank you. (audience claps)
Smackle:	(in a "Valley Girl" accent) Omigosh, I'm so totally unprepared and scared.
Academic Bottom Half:	We finally got her.
Smackle:	(back to normal) Maybe that's what you would assume I would say, considering the effort I put into my appearance.
Academic Top Half:	Uh-oh.
Smackle:	I'm here to argue today that beauty actually is skin deep. So I've done some research and I've learned... that it is. When you get compliments from people who don't ordinarily compliment you, when people look at you differently, packaging does matter. I wasn't pretty, then I was. This is a world where "pretty" seems better somehow. Which is too bad, but it's not debatable. However, I also learned that if you get swept up by what you are on the outside you can lose who you are on the inside. Even though it is easy to be fooled by the beauty of a Trojan horse, its real power comes from the army within-- intelligence, compassion, integrity, courage. That army is the real you, no matter what you look like. So even though beauty may be skin deep, beauty is nowhere near as important as the army inside. And I'll try not to forget that. (Smackle puts on her glasses) Well, look at all of you. You're all very deeply beautiful. (turns to Farkle) Especially you, Farkle. Thank you. (audience claps)
Lucas:	She beat us.
Farkle:	Yeah.
Smackle:	Thank you for taking me in. I hope we can be friends.
Maya:	Cool. We've got a lot to learn from each other.
Riley:	(Gives Smackle a hug and then takes one of her ribbons and places it on Smackle's dress, then says to Maya) I continue to not understand anything.
Maya:	That's what's so beautiful about you.
Interior. Svorski's Bakery. Riley, Maya, Smackle, Lucas and Farkle are seated in a booth.
Smackle:	Valiant effort, Lucas, perhaps a smoothie would take the sting out of my latest victory.
Riley:	Whoa whoa, back off, sister.
Farkle:	I actually think that Smackle is just enjoying some newfound confidence, Riley.
Smackle:	You know me too well, arch-nemesis.
Maya:	She was using you to make Farkle jealous!
Lucas:	(chuckles) Well, that's a new one.
Smackle:	Tell me the truth, Farkle. If Riley and Maya weren't beautiful, would you still love them?
Farkle:	They're beautiful? Oh yeah, I never really noticed.